Day Three

Wow, this is hard work. For some reason I’m finding this really difficult, the subutex is making me exceptionally high/stoned in a less than pleasant way. I’m not able to keep a train of thought, with minor visual and auditory hallucinations, basically I’m not in line with the rest of the world. Reading as best I can there seems to be differing opinions, with some saying I should try decreasing my prescription, and others saying I should be increasing it. Who knows? Certainly not I, today!

Back to the drug clinic at 10am – hoping they might be able to sort this out based on the garbled mess coming out of my mouth ๐Ÿ˜€

Love y’all, including the extra ones of you I’m seeing all over the place xxxx

(It took me 30 mins to write this, so sorry if it still makes no sense!)

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Day two

Well I pretty much spent the whole day hugely stoned! I knew it was meant to happen, but as I didn’t feel it yesterday I assumed I’d was going to pass me by. Needles to say, no saws were jigged today.

Roll on tomorrow!

Love y’all xxxxx

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First day of the rest of my life!

8.30 – kids have gone to school, phew! They can’t help living in slightly ego centric worlds where the fact that they can fiend their brownie uniform is the single most important piece of the day, but GAHHHHH! I’ve been this late taking my meds before now, so I know this bit – headache, slightly clammy, and a whole heap of nervous energy. Trying to eat so I can take some ibuprofen, but I hate breakfast at the best of times!

12.00 – back from the doctor, got my new strips of film which will make me better. Head is pounding now – I’ve even broken out a couple of paracetamol! It’s going a little better than I’d imagined – I even managed to pop into a wool shop opposite the drug clinic, and buy a whole sheeps worth of wool! I promise it’s just to knit something for my mum, to thank her! I can feel my mood getting shorter – I don’t think I can go out and have to deal with other people any more – I’d end up killing someone! It’s a bit like a really bad migrane at the moment. So I think I can manage a good few more hours. Let’s see how I feel at two… ๐Ÿ™‚

2.15 – yep, definitely feeling it now! Head still hurting, along with all my sinuses and joints. Feel a bit woozy ands everything is far too much effort. Cream cakes have worked well so far – will try a nap soon. Still smiling though!

5.00 – just taking my first dose. Withdrawal feels like a big speed comedown, if anyone has tried that before! Holy crap, these pills are under my tongue and are just the vilest things ever!! Am shuddering, trying not to spit them out! Fingers crossed I’m not sick!

8.00 – just taking my second dose. It works well, I didn’t feel stoned or anything, just quite normal. A bit tired and quiet, but so different to what I expected. I also felt no cravings at all, I even when I think about the pills then I feel no desire to even contemplate taking them! Amazing stuff. Just a damn shame they taste like battery acid!! I felt sick for ages after taking the last ones, just thinking of that taste *bleugh*. Overall a huge, amazing success. And I guess there no public desire to make things better for ‘junkie scum’ (TM Daily Mail), so no great need to make things easier than they have already ๐Ÿ˜€

8.15 – extra strong mints have just helped my taste buds – had one before the subutex and one straight after, and it’s really helped. Yay!! So, off to relax with my partner now, gasp about Russia, and eat some supper. One big, huge success of a day. I will be able to chat about it more tomorrow, I need to switch my brain off for now ๐Ÿ™‚

Love y’all xxx

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This feels insane!

So I have two more hours before I have to hand any left over pills to my OH for him to get rid of tomorrow. I’m swinging from blissful ignorance to completely freaked out!

I was talking to OH this afternoon, about how I can’t imagine life being any good from now on. He pointed out that this is symptom of the addiction, and can be seen throughout all addicts of anything. Life has centred around pills for years now. Everyday has been a series of events which happen around the pills – I can’t leave the house without checking I have enough pills to last me in the event of a car accident where I’m unable to get more for a couple of days!

I’m not in a place where I can imagine how life will be in the future. But I guess I don’t have to think that far. Right now I need to just think of getting through the next 24 hours.

So tomorrow I will be going cold turkey for as long as I can possibly bear. As much of the opiates as possible have to leave my body before I can take the subutex, or it will make me very ill. I haven’t left taking pills any longer than 11am before now (and that was tough enough!) – tomorrow I have to try and get through to mid to late afternoon. I’d been thinking of many different things I could do to distract myself, and in the end I felt I just need my mummy to look after me, like a poorly child! So she’s bringing over a jigsaw, and we can see how it goes from there. I’m quite excited about doing a jigsaw ๐Ÿ˜€

Sorry the series of mind dumps there – I’m too weirded out to write properly.

Next time I see you I will be off my pills \o/

Love y’all xxx

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Things I will miss v things I will gain

Today gave me an insight in to both camps. During the day we went to the UK Bass show in London, and so I cut back on my pills to help me function as a normal person. We had so much fun together, and I chatted away to lots of interesting strange men. It was like the old days of our relationship, when I used to giggle and play and enjoy life.

On the way home my body was ok, I wasn’t in need of more pills, but I wanted to chill and just couldn’t think of anything which would be nicer than my drugs. So by now I’ve taken my usual quota, and am stuck on the sofa in my dressing gown again. It might sound rubbish, but it feels warm and comforting and familiar. I’m worried that without my pills I will find this level of relaxation is hard to get. I don’t drink or smoke, or anything else, so I will have no outlet in this way. Please don’t suggest yoga as a replacement. Or meditation. Both are great, I’m sure, but they’re not quite as accessible, and I doubt they’re as fun!

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Waiting for D Day

So I’ve not written much recently. Much has been happening, but I just feel too annoyed to write about it most of the time. A strange, irrational anger – the kind of pmt type thing which curses through your veins for no reason. So far today, for example, I’ve been angry with the government (I will let that one slide!), with the postman, with a lady in a car which I nearly drove in to, a lady in Asda who dared to be wearing jeans with sequins on, someone who couldn’t operate the self service till, and the postman again. And general scorn at anyone I’ve seen or thought about!

I’ve been trying to work out what’s behind the anger – which actually made me really cross with myself “who in earth do you think you are, you self centred, armchair psychologist who thinks you’re so clever”. I’m guessing it’s partly because I hate change, and partly fear of the future.

Monday is d day, and it’s all been planned out. Down to me working out exactly how many pills I need to last me till Sunday night, and now freaking out that I’ve not allowed myself any “spare” for bad days. I just want to get it over with now. I’m fed up with waiting, and every week I’ve had to wait has eroded my determination a little more. I haven’t got a choice now though, the gp won’t prescribe me any more, Monday I have to stop one way or another. Actually, I wonder if that might be contributing to my mood – the balance of power has shifted away from me. Instead of doing things because I want to, because I feel it’s right, I’m having to do what I’m told. Maybe I’m still just a stroppy teenager at heart ๐Ÿ˜€

Love y’all xx

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Ha Ha

(Said in a Nelson voice)

Despite being assured a number of times that my details hadn’t been lost, and the wait was perfectly normal, it seems the person who did my assessment was under the impression that I had been contacted by the doctor already. And interestingly enough, within 24 hours of my increased calling levels, an appointment has been made for me for Monday afternoon! ย Enough said, I think.

I’ve been so busy fighting and waiting that I have forgotten to be nervous. ย Well, only a couple of days to go so let’s not think about it for a while!

So, what do you reckon? Is it going to be all systems go on Monday, or just the start of a new waiting list for something else?!

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