My Epiphany

Sorry higher spirit, this time it was Brittany Spears, in the chiller section in Asda! Not literally, though I do rate her high on my list of girl crushes ❤

That bloody awful song Stronger came on when I was shopping just now, and I just broke down in to tears. Real good, happy tears! I suddenly realised I felt happy. For the first time in years I have real feelings. I can't explain the fog one lives in, whilst inhabiting opiate-land, but when it begins to lift there are moments of absolute clarity which make you break down in joy.

Yes, I still hurt, yes I will continue to have days which are less good than others, but I'm alive! For the first time in years. And it's fucking amazing.

And then I had to complete my shopping whilst sobbing my face off \o/. Go me!

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I hate it

Got told off for not writing my blog anymore so here it is. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I feel like shit most of the time. Everything hurts, it’s like a really bad flu. I just want to sleep and cry and sleep some more. I would do anything for the doctor to let me start taking them again. I wish I’d never started this. I hate it and I can’t stand it and I hate it some more.

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Alright stop!

Are you rapping, Vanilla Ice style? Thought so,

So I have to stop the subutex now. No more tapering or anything, my reaction to it is getting worse and the doctor doesn’t want me to take any more.

So from tomorrow I will have nothing but my paracetamol, ibuprofen, and Imodium to stave off the withdrawals. If you don’t know why I need the third drug then google cold turkey withdrawals 😉

Looks like it’s going to be a bumpy ride, baybeee!

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Wanting to blog :(

Honestly my brain is too frazzled for this blogging malarkey at the moment. I have so much to chat about and get off my chest, but each word is using 1 hours worth of energy!

The big news is that the doc is taking me off the subutex. I’ve got symptoms he’s never come across before – they’re displaying like serotonin syndrome, but you don’t get that from subutex!! Well whatever it is, he agrees that what it’s been doing to me is not good. He actually said he was really sorry that it’s happening to me, that my ‘simple’ withdrawal has become so hideous. It’s not meant to be like this.

I don’t know what to expect from the coming weeks. I have no idea when life is going to be enjoyable again. But the baby steps are heading in the right direction I guess.

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Another embarrassing thing

So, possibly more embarrassing than anything I’ve said in my blog so far is the revelation that I really bloody love the film Eat, Pray, Love. I wanted so badly to hate it. I don’t want to be one of those morons that find it inspiring in any way. Do you think there is a pill I can take to help me with that?

I’m other news, blah blah blah. My day was ok-ish. I didn’t freak out (yet), so that’s a vast improvement. I still have that grey feeling that everything will just be boring forever. I still know in my head that isn’t true.

The best thing about today was waking up with a pussycat sleeping next to me in bed. Whenever the rest of the family leave he becomes very possessive of me, so all bathroom trips (mine) must be escorted to ensure I don’t leave him, and he always has to be in the same room as me. It’s very cute, though I refuse to be held responsible for any squashing which might occur as a result if him tying his tail round my ankles, and subsequent falling.

I’m feeling really ‘zing’ about nail polish today. I had a few beauties arrive, and I’m idly thinking about starting work on the website again. It’s nice to think about something which isn’t entirely introspective.

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Day Five

Well yesterday got worse. By late afternoon I was a crying mess, trying to speak to anyone I could find at the nhs in the addiction area. Only there wasn’t anyone as they all gone home. It was 5.10 pm.

So them I started on the rehab centres, thinking this would be the only way to survive the experience. Only to realise that it was going to cost £7500 upwards for two weeks if I wanted somewhere that you actually stay on site. And that seems to only buy you one meet a day with the doctor itself. Although there is tonnes of counselling included. Of course, if you want your meals cooked for you, it’s extra. And if you want a gym or spa or anything (which I assumed you’d get for nearly 5k a week), well you can just forget that unless you happen to be a footballer, or reality tv star.

I don’t seem to tolerate this medicine very well. Thankfully by today it is starting to gradually calm down. Very gradually. I’m still constantly hallucinating – life will be amazing when I can see lines point in the direction they’re meant to, once more! And I have people who want to help – it’s just I have got to the point where I’m exhausted from other people.

Honestly, I’m really angry with this whole thing. I mean, where is the counselling? Where is anything which looks at what is actually happening with me. I seem to be being dealt with by some trainee. The main doc is always there too, but my mental state is being addressed by someone who can’t seem to find the confidence to ask me a straight question. And yesterday I left a couple of messages on the answer phone for the addiction centre. I was completely out of it, and in tears, and asking for help. Would it be a great surprise to hear that no one called me back at any point today.

I need to keep writing this blog. I had hoped it would give encouragement to others facing the same situation. At the moment though, my honest thoughts are that I wish I’d never started it all. I keep talking with friends and family about the progress etc, but without any help beyond this horrid drug which makes me feel terrible, no emotional support, no help in understanding how I got here, well how on earth do they expect me to stay drug free?

Please don’t panic. I’m relatively ok today. I feel alright in myself. I even feel slightly calmer. My concern and frustration is regarding the future.

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Day four (are we nearly there yet?)

Went to the drug doctors again who said that my reaction to this level of subutex is vary rare, I must be someone who reacts much more strongly to medicines/drugs than other people. I did try and warn them that! So what ive been experiencing over the last two days is the same as most people would get from heroin. And, in fact, if I was ever to try heroin then it’d be incredibly dangerous for me even at really low levels!

So lesson on the day, don’t take heroin. I would probably die.

Anyhow. Back to subutex. So I’ve been reduced back to half my doseage today, and have to see how it goes. I’m still feeling pretty wrecked from it at 4mg, so who knows, maybe I could even drop it down more. After all, the less I’m on to begin with, the less I have to try and come off in the future.

And, whoop de whoop, I’m well enough to start buying things from the internet again! Nail polishes of the world, hide…. I coming to get you!!

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