Well yesterday got worse. By late afternoon I was a crying mess, trying to speak to anyone I could find at the nhs in the addiction area. Only there wasn’t anyone as they all gone home. It was 5.10 pm.
So them I started on the rehab centres, thinking this would be the only way to survive the experience. Only to realise that it was going to cost £7500 upwards for two weeks if I wanted somewhere that you actually stay on site. And that seems to only buy you one meet a day with the doctor itself. Although there is tonnes of counselling included. Of course, if you want your meals cooked for you, it’s extra. And if you want a gym or spa or anything (which I assumed you’d get for nearly 5k a week), well you can just forget that unless you happen to be a footballer, or reality tv star.
I don’t seem to tolerate this medicine very well. Thankfully by today it is starting to gradually calm down. Very gradually. I’m still constantly hallucinating – life will be amazing when I can see lines point in the direction they’re meant to, once more! And I have people who want to help – it’s just I have got to the point where I’m exhausted from other people.
Honestly, I’m really angry with this whole thing. I mean, where is the counselling? Where is anything which looks at what is actually happening with me. I seem to be being dealt with by some trainee. The main doc is always there too, but my mental state is being addressed by someone who can’t seem to find the confidence to ask me a straight question. And yesterday I left a couple of messages on the answer phone for the addiction centre. I was completely out of it, and in tears, and asking for help. Would it be a great surprise to hear that no one called me back at any point today.
I need to keep writing this blog. I had hoped it would give encouragement to others facing the same situation. At the moment though, my honest thoughts are that I wish I’d never started it all. I keep talking with friends and family about the progress etc, but without any help beyond this horrid drug which makes me feel terrible, no emotional support, no help in understanding how I got here, well how on earth do they expect me to stay drug free?
Please don’t panic. I’m relatively ok today. I feel alright in myself. I even feel slightly calmer. My concern and frustration is regarding the future.