So I’ve not written much recently. Much has been happening, but I just feel too annoyed to write about it most of the time. A strange, irrational anger – the kind of pmt type thing which curses through your veins for no reason. So far today, for example, I’ve been angry with the government (I will let that one slide!), with the postman, with a lady in a car which I nearly drove in to, a lady in Asda who dared to be wearing jeans with sequins on, someone who couldn’t operate the self service till, and the postman again. And general scorn at anyone I’ve seen or thought about!
I’ve been trying to work out what’s behind the anger – which actually made me really cross with myself “who in earth do you think you are, you self centred, armchair psychologist who thinks you’re so clever”. I’m guessing it’s partly because I hate change, and partly fear of the future.
Monday is d day, and it’s all been planned out. Down to me working out exactly how many pills I need to last me till Sunday night, and now freaking out that I’ve not allowed myself any “spare” for bad days. I just want to get it over with now. I’m fed up with waiting, and every week I’ve had to wait has eroded my determination a little more. I haven’t got a choice now though, the gp won’t prescribe me any more, Monday I have to stop one way or another. Actually, I wonder if that might be contributing to my mood – the balance of power has shifted away from me. Instead of doing things because I want to, because I feel it’s right, I’m having to do what I’m told. Maybe I’m still just a stroppy teenager at heart 😀
Love y’all xx