Man I love that film ❤
So today I got dressed. I got dressed at 11, to go to the shops, then got back and in to my pyjamas again. There is something comforting about pyjamas, buy really, should a grown woman be sitting around in them all day? Maybe once or twice as a treat, but I’m afraid this situation is far from unusual. Finding motivation to do anything at all is so hard when you’re stoned. I know it sounds like an excuse, but I can’t wait to have that life back inside of me. You know, waking up and thinking there is a point to the day, one which doesn’t involve just watching tv.
Which brings me on to my news – I got the phone call I was waiting for. Well, I had to call them a few times and annoy them first, but hey hum I got there in the end. So I have to go in for my assessment at 9.30 on Thursday. I know two days probably doesn’t sound like any time at all, but right now it feels like forever. Every time I swallow another handful of pills the guilt I feel is overwhelming. It really spoils the moment, you know :D. But one day down, one more to go, then I will be there.
I was thinking today, thinking people probably wonder why I don’t just reduce the medication slowly, like everywhere suggests. Well you know that part of you inside, the hedonistic part? I think everyone has it, people call it the devil or whatever, but I can’t think of it as evil – just mislead! So anyway, this part of me HATES the idea of losing the meds. It will do anything to stop it from happening. If I try and reduce anything, even just half a pill from one dose, it screams blue murder. Not only does it want that half a pill back, but it wants some more, by way of apology for trying to be so nasty! As I am at the moment I feel powerless to resist it. I have tried, so many times, but now I understand that this way of stopping just isn’t right for me. I’m an all or nothing kinda girl. That’s how it’s always been. So the only way I’m going to crack this shit is by getting rid of it all and dealing with the effects, shit as they may be. There are things which can help me – replacement meds like Suboxone, to reduce the physical withdrawal effects. I want them! Without the hell of withdrawal I think I can get strong enough to silence my hedonistic voice – not completely, but enough 🙂
And in the real news of the day, my nail polish, well I haven’t changed it yet. I have plans for this evening, plans involving a nice Enchanted Polish called J’Adore ❤ I need a bit of love, and polish can help with that! Go nail polish \o/
Love y’all xx